A Marketing Presentation to the Remaining Residents of Bodega Bay, California
This piece can also be found in the Blog of Scare U, the podcast I co-host, which is currently in its third season.
Mother in Diner: Why are they doing this? Why are they doing this? They said when you got here the whole thing started. Who are you? What are you? Where did you come from? I think you’re the cause of all of this. I think you’re EVIL!
From “The Birds” (1963) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
Good afternoon, everyone, and thank you for the absolutely delicious pastries.
As you know, my firm has been retained by the Rotary Club of Bodega Bay to oversee the revitalization of the town following recent incidents that caused a good deal of property damage and the demise of several members of your community. Allow me to say how terribly sorry we are for all that you have endured, and how shocked we are that the destruction occurred as a result of bird attacks.
It is obvious to anyone who visits Bodega Bay that the town possesses an abundance of natural beauty and resources. For this reason, you should not lose heart. Many towns have endured earth-shattering events only to bounce back stronger than before. It’s not, as one resident repeatedly told us, “the end of the world.”
Let’s begin with the downtown area. While the birds certainly created a bit of havoc at The Tides Bar & Grill and a small explosion at the gas station, we are confident that this can be remedied through modern marketing know-how and brand expertise.
First, as The Tides did not suffer major damage from the attack, we recommend adding a sandwich to the menu to honor the resilience of local residents, perhaps a “Gulled Cheese” or a “Finch Fry.” My team spoke with local ornithologist Mrs. Bundy, who insists that — while the attack did indeed seem improbable — she agrees with our suggestion that an open-air patio be built out back with turret-like structures that can support large, military-grade weaponry.
Second, given the explosion at the gas station only scorched a three-block radius of the downtown area, and the area is surprisingly free of guano, we see this as an opportunity to incorporate herb gardens and fresh flower beds, a scenic walkway, a dog run for local pooches, and gunwale-form eaves on every structure, allowing for deployment of rocket-propelled grenades.
Moving further out of town, my firm did a walk-through of the schoolhouse and the property that once belonged to Ms. Annie Hayworth. While it is indeed sad that Ms. Hayworth has left us, the school remains largely unscathed. We suggest that Ms. Hayworth’s memory be honored with a celebration that commemorates her dedication to local children, and the construction of an impenetrable steel dome over the school.
Next, our team surveyed the home that once belonged to Mrs. Lydia Brenner and her children, Mitch, 45, and Cathy, 14. It is true, the whereabouts of the Brenners and their guest, San Francisco socialite Melanie Daniels, 25, have yet to be ascertained. It is also true that the house bears light scars of the attack (i.e., doors pecked, windows broken, entire roof torn away). However, given its proximity to the bay and convenient dock access across the street, the home may easily be returned to market following minor cosmetic improvements. Should this not be feasible, my firm recommends the construction of a heavily fortified tower that would afford townspeople a view of the bay and time to prepare a Howitzer for approaching waterfowl.
In sum, our project has three basic, and — we believe — achievable, goals.
- Bar out-of-town visitors from entry, no matter how attractive
- Ensure that lovebirds, caged or free-range, are not allowed within a fifteen-mile radius of town
- Eradicate sin from the Earth
Thank you for allowing us to make this presentation to the Rotary Club. We look forward to a productive and fruitful relationship with Bodega Bay for many, many hours to come.
